The past few months have felt a little uneasy for me and thrown up a couple of revelations that I’ve been working through. Bubbling in my head are so many ideas, it’s like my mind just won’t stop. If you were to ask anyone in my close inner circle they can attest for my idea sprouting brain – I’m always looking ahead and onto the next thing.
Despite my eagerness to push myself and move forward, there is always one thing that’s holding me back. I’m a creature of comfort and I do thrive on routine and knowing what’s coming next. When something is about to push me out of my comfort zone or bring about a massive change then I retreat back to safety because it feels safer than the unknown ahead. So you could say that the one block that is stopping me from growing is me.
I found the irony of this realisation enlightening and wanted to explore it more, dig deep and discover why I was getting in my own way. First things first, one of my own mental battles, is not believing that I’m ready or worthy. It’s something that always crops up for me and brings up a lot of anxious feelings. In hindsight, I guess there is an element of people pleasing going on here, a strong desire to be liked and a deep fear of rejection. I think this stems from my introverted nature, I find it difficult to make friends and at times socially awkward, so when I do ‘put myself out there‘ I want everything to just click straight away to make the process easier. It’s left me feeling all kinds of vulnerability and being a little unkind to myself in the process. Not a great place to be in and it also fuelled my imposter syndrome because again I wasn’t practicing what I preach through my work and message to those that I want to inspire and support.
I know my fears will, in the end, stop me from achieving my dreams. It shows itself in many disguises and a lot of the time it basically comes down to my launching my coaching business and other projects I want to get started on. I’d been too scared to put pen to paper and jotting down my ideas, and afraid that maybe no one will like what I put out there and it created a complete creative block for me.
For about 18 months I’d played with the idea of studying with Integrative Nutrition to become a certified health coach, due to low self-esteem issues and worrying about what I had to offer wasn’t good enough. However, something inside me last year just decided to take that leap of faith into the unknown and simply begin. It’s the best thing that I’ve honestly done and I’ve never looked back. When I made that phone call to register I was feeling so nervous thinking “what if this is the biggest mistake EVER?” and “what if it doesn’t work out?,” however I stayed on the phone anyway. It was completely painless and I’m loving the course and due to graduate in September.
Now I learned a lot from this one phone call. Even though I didn’t wholeheartedly feel ready to take that leap or feel that I was good enough for the job, it turned out to be the most amazing experience. One thing that really helped me is visualising that everything was going to be crazy successful and it’s been a magical eye-opener. Normally I let the fear and my inner critic take over, focusing on what could go wrong and the what ifs?, but shifting my mindset and just going for it anyway really felt so good and something that I always try to encourage when change or growth is on the horizon.
Working through these emotions has led to a deep self-discovery and finding my truth. In some ways, I’m thankful for this process because without them I wouldn’t be on the path that I’m on now. I’m always going to have fears because that’s just human nature and I think it actually shows that I’m passionate about my work and my message. Going forward, regardless of what the song in my head is playing, I’m going to take that leap of faith, see what happens and believe in the power of now.